The snow, a frozen way that water tells the Earth of it’s love. love is not just about the way that we give, love is also about the way that we take. Love is not just about how we receive, love is also about how we transmute. Love is not just about birth, love is also about death. In this season of divine feminine power, when the creative energies are so delicately harnessed, it is a time of death. it is a time of slowing down, a time to create coolness, slow breathing, slow days, long nights, and a cultivation of inner gratitude. The seed of the shell must die for the next tree to be born.
What is it in your life that you’ve been waiting for? Maybe waiting to let go, waiting to give in, waiting for your self. Waiting is not just about patience, it is also about learning. When we wait it is because we know deep down we are not fully prepared. Do not fear the loss of your old ways as the snow, the cold, and Mother Earth bring about a changing form of love.
For so long in our world, in our vibratory level, people have been denying the winters. Earth, in about a hundred years, will set ablaze if we do not get in touch with this cold energy. Feminine power has been repressed, suppressed, and oppressed for a very long time. This all starts internally. What creative energies could you harness today that will ring forth good tomorrow? What, in the starting of the season which drives us into our home, into our knowns, can be destroyed so when spring comes we may bloom more beautifully than we’ve ever known?
Winter. A time of intensity for the internal journey. As a woman, a scorpio, and of water, my advice during this time of cold and reclusion: Fight everything, even the fighting itself. In battle we experience mass destruction. There is no battle field needed, and the greatest winning of wars is done before the battle even begins. Fight. Fight like your life depends on it, because it does. Fight for everything you want to become. Fight for the you you left behind. Fight yourself, with grace and understanding. Fight yourself until you’re defeated and emerge victorious. Ny fighting in this season, we may enter a new year full bigger beginnings. Expansion or imploding- our only two options before we become nothing.
Will you expand into your self, or will you wither? Everything good must come to an end. Everything that ends must also begin. So, begin again. End in this moment and begin in the next, or begin in this moment and end soon- or choose to do both and you will have become a beacon, not only for yourself, but for others who are stuck in the duality cycle. Begin today. Begin tomorrow. Do not fear the deaths which are to come, this is a new song waiting to be sung. Sing loudly, sing big, sing small- sing for you and for all. Die. Begin. Create again.
We all have dreams. Things we see during the day, the way we want our life to be, the things in life we yearn for. When was the last time you thought about building that dream? Having a vision and no way to get there sets you up for minimal success. Having a vision, and envisioning the way to get there, the only other thing you need is your own action. Building your dreams is also like building a park- a settled way to ensure that your vision continues to flourish.
First we must accept that our foundation already exists. There is land, there is air, there maybe features on this land you don't want to rid yourself of because of their beauty. Think of yourself, your past, as this foundation. You are already a landscape, the person you are already exists. The work you've done already exists. Let you and your previous dream-actions be the base.
Then there comes the meticulous planning. I don't know about you, but I'm a big dreamer- my blue prints are also very big and very inclusive. There are water features, several of them. There are trees galore. Don't forget about facilities. Walkways. Trails. Flowers. Water fountains. Memorials. Art. A playground, or two. Then there's the details of all of those features you must include. Plan like you've never planned before. Double and triple check your blue print, and also keep in mind that this blue print will change. Things will come up and plans will shift- be able to go with the flow and alter your blueprint as needed.
Funding is also really important. You can plant all the trees yourself, but do you have any idea how to build a fountain? Funding requires time and money. The more money you spend, the less time it will take (usually). The more time you take, the less money you'll spend. Those situations are only true if you're working really hard, the whole time. If you decide to take a back seat to your own dreams, it's going to cost a lot of time and money to build your blue print. It's about the experiencing the process, not glorifying the end result.
Building, oh what a way to be. We are building every second of our lives, and this is why you and your past are the foundation to your process. Enjoy getting your hands dirty, enjoy the trials, and enjoy the nonsense things that are going to go wrong (and they will go wrong). Don't give up. You're going to get tired, and there are moments when you'll ask yourself why you're still going. In those moments it's okay to rest, but don't give up. An ultra marathon runner has to walk sometimes, and they stop for food and fuel too. Resting is valid, quitting is not.
Once you've been building (for what is going to feel like a few lifetimes), you have to let your environment breathe and grow. Surprise, you've not only been building your own park (your dream), but you've also been building an ecosystem. You must treat this ecosystem as just that, a living breathing organism with feelings and needs. This is where maintaining comes in. Whether you are cutting the grass or mowing the lawn, there has to be an upkeep. Things that aren't tended to die, at least in the beginning stages. It's the same reason moms stay home with their babies, the hope is eventually your ecosystem will flourish on it's own.
Enjoy the process. Enjoy the planning, the building, the crying, the laughing, the mishaps- enjoy the moments. If you're not enjoying the moments that you're creating, there's something about the end result of your blue print you're not going to like. This end result will not be success, it will be really close to failure. Enjoy every moment, even the tough ones. Prove your self wrong over and over, and keep a smile on your face while you do it. One who enjoys their failures is one who builds their temple mindfully.
Above all, in a world of visionaries and dreamers, action is what's either going to make or break you. Know when something doesn't fit you. Know when to say no. Know when to say yes. Know when to keep saying no. Know in your heart what it is you truly desire. Then work for it. We can all connect to Spirit, or God, or Source- but it is without action that we fail. Your dreams are too important to not build. Your dreams are why you're here on Earth. If you're not working for those dreams, heal yourself and get on with it. We're born and we die, create something beautiful in the middle and the essence of your being will last forever.
When was the last time you sat back and watched the clouds? You really don’t even have to watch the clouds to be watching the clouds. See, if you sit back and watch change, without touching or interfering with it at all, you have mastered the art of stillness in your bones, you have encompassed your environment with your mind. I’ve been skillfully putting my hands into things for a while, running around and shouting at people. I feel it’s time to sit back and watched the clouds, that I started painting a while ago, build until a storm of abundance is what rains over me. I shall encompass these clouds with my mind, for it is what is in our mind that we ultimately become.
I published a book, big whoop. At least that’s what it’s felt like recently, like all the hard work I’ve been doing, internally and externally, hasn’t been paying off. I wasn’t doing any of my creations for reward consciously, but subconsciously I expected there to be a reward other than the creation itself. So, big whoop, I published one book. Oh yeah, and I finished a second manuscript, started a third, and am wrapping up a guided journal to go with the first book. Sometimes we have our hands in so many different avenues, building so many different things, that we forget to sit back and watch our storm peacefully build.
Clouds don’t ask permission to form, they just do. Just as I have been walking, I have never asked if I could take another step. I have been asking others where I should step, or how, or why I’m even walking at all. These questions are helpful if we find ourselves lost, but I am no longer lost yet still I find myself questioning. So why am I asking? I am asking others about myself because I still have insecurities, I’m still unsure about myself- really it comes down to the fact that I have an addiction for not believing in myself. How is it that we break addictions?
There are a few ways to break addictions including cold-turkey, and slowly weaning off of your chosen substance. If lack of self love is my substance, how do I cultivate holistic self love in my life? Well, I either set off to cold-turkey give up self hate, or I slowly pull myself off of self hate and into self love. I have been on the slow road into self love for a long time, but have refused to sit back and watch the clouds build and form in patience. It is time I step back from the minute details of hate, and look at the over arching temple of love I have been building for (and inside) myself, and that coninues to grow. It is time I accept patience into my way.
We are so conditioned to want things now, especially with all the technology advances that are forming around us. One thing we cannot have now is a storm, if all we have is a clear sky- the storm shall only be in the confines of our mind. Our starting point is just as valid as our goal, but we must keep our goal in focus as we continue to walk our way. By keeping the goal in focus, you live the goal in your mind- that is how we manifest our dreams. Today, the clouds have taught me patience in manifesting my dreams. Success, if in our minds, will also be in our realities. Patient the clouds are as they form a storm, and as the storm falls the clouds must again grow tall. Our cycles do not define our path, our cycles may only define our cycles- are there any cycles you are in, any addictions, which you wish to break? Go look at the clouds for a few minutes, you may be learned an answer sooner than you expected.
Have you ever been so welcomed into a community that you're taken off guard? This is what's happened to me over and over again for the past two months. I've been on the road, going from place to place, since May. My road has been incredibly fruitful, full of gratitude, and so abundant with love. It is only the most recent community I have been welcomed into that I've realized the importance of love and safety in people.
Being robbed recently shook me up, to the point I was afraid to leave the house and go to the cafe later that day. The thing that kept me going right after it happened was the fact that I was going to be able to come home to a house full of people who loved me and would be supportive of my being. Without this community backing me, I may have been a bit more lost after the fact. People may sometimes be burdens, but are mostly only burdens when they reflect burdens that we carry with us. People are the greatest reflection of home we will ever have, and that is so sacred that we should call home our temple.
There is this thing about love I am still discovering. Unconditional love means that we have one condition, and that condition is love. Being unconditional in your love, though, doesn't mean you can let people walk all over you and still exercise that one condition of love. By letting people walk all over you you don't exercise the most important kind of love, and that is love for/to/from Self. To make love for/to/from Self completely unconditional- this is how we self actualize.
There are many levels to self actualization. One of these, and I would say it's (so far in my life) the most important, doorways of self actualization is unconditional Self love. This love for Self is why we say 'no' to others, to respect our needs and being. This love for Self is why we heal, to release old pains we've been holding. This love for Self is why we're here, to share that love, to co-create, to be unconditional in all love by being unconditionally in love with your Self.
When we do not have unconditional love for yourself, being in communities can be very difficult. Communities are constant mirrors of who we are. If we don't unconditionally love our self, that's going to be painfully reflected back to us with every person in the community.
Up until my yoga teacher training immersion I had never felt safe in my body. I'm still working on releasing fear that I'm going to be hurt at any given moment. Releasing pain is hard work, but it's important- for when you heal your self you heal the collective. Since I've never felt safe in my body, that was reflected to me in every community I've ever been in. Seeing pain in people you love is hard, especially when it's your own pain.
Having gratitude for the communities, that have so dutifully welcomed me as their own, was not easy at the beginning of this journey. Today, more so than ever, I have been awakened to the power of people's presence and love in our life. Home is in our own self, and it is reflected through others. The amount you love is equal to how wide open your door is in your communities. Be exactly who you are, that's how communities work. Give yourself permission to love, give yourself permission to be. We forget, often times, that we have permission to be human. Be the best human you can be by being so welcoming of yourself that you can only turn away others when they don't suit your Truth. Self actualize by being and loving you- really, that's all we can do on the road of Truth.
Enjoy your day, may light and love be in your way. Namaste.
I have a strong belief that you should never do something because you'll never get to be able to do it again. With this mindset you'll just constantly be chasing away at hellish advances. I also believe that you wouldn't want to do things simply on the fact that it's the first time you get to do them either. This mindset only holds a pathway of let down in expectation. I hold the belief that we should strive to do everything for the first time and the last time as we're doing it. New things, things we've done over and over again- nothing is ever the same thing twice. To be present with your actions is to be detached from any possible pain.
I was speaking to a friend on the phone recently, and she mentioned that she's been afraid to talk about what's going on in her life. This has been making it more difficult for her to heal. I forget sometimes that by telling my story to others, it allows them space for great reflection. I also forget about second chances, and how many I've given, and how many more I may want to give- an addiction is a habit that's unhealthy. To be deemed unhealthy is to increase the rate at which we decline, in any fashion. So, if you want, hang on to the seat of your pants- a reflection of some kind is ahead. My reflections within always seem to be deep, and to open that window for you is my pleasure- quite frankly I've beens scared to talk about what's going on in my life too. Hopefully, my reflection shines back to you in some way too.
My mother and I haven't always had a rocky relationship. When I was young she was a dream mom, a soulmate of sorts. Then my sister was born, and my sister was very sick. I played alone quite often, teaching myself to never be bored. I was responsible for my own fun, which is probably why my life is so adventurous and independent now. My mom decided, when I was still quite young, not to put down self hatred, and instead decided to stoke the fire and kept adding dry wood. Her self-hate fire hasn't been at the level of embers and almost total darkness for years, she just keeps feeding the flames.
When I was 18, my senior homecoming, she told me to "get the f*ck out" and to "never call her mom again." So, I did. I packed my bags and left. The devastation of losing a mom, and not understanding what I wanted after senior year, on top of high level anxiety and depression, ultimately ended me in the hospital after an overdose. Death is no joke, apparently, to the ones who love you. I didn't love myself, so it felt like a joke- the funniest of all. Except I couldn't laugh, only pretend like I felt anything, laughter included.
Recovery was fun, surprisingly. I had really hard moments. I had moments of looking over the ledge and thinking "I could totally jump," but I never did. There was no point for my self hate anymore. I was slowly letting my self-hate fire die. It's still dying, but I've gathered the strength to occasionally toss water on the edge embers, decreasing it's encompassing size and equally it's power of me. I'm still in recovery, we all are. Unless of course you've reached some higher form of self actualization, and if that's the case then please feel free to enlighten me- I'll be waiting for your email or phone call.
Then I decided to come off my anti-depressants one day, and fell into the hands of a non-prescribed addiction instead. This is something I still deal with in the form of food (and thankfully no longer hard drugs). It's all just information, the food we eat, the drugs we take, what we drink- it's information our body survives on. What we put into our body we become- I guess sometimes I really like to be junk food. What a thing to want to be when you grow up, junk food. I'm kidding- one, I'm never growing up, just getting older. And two, if I was growing up I assure you I would take part in a system like college and not be junk food... anyhow.
My mother and I's relationship rekindled when I moved to Kansas City. I was leaving and it felt strangely wrong to not announce to my mother somehow that I wouldn't be around anymore. I took the emotional chance of vulnerability and asked her for dinner. We had been occasionally speaking, at an increasing rate until this past week. I even came back to her house to watch her dogs- a dutiful daughter thing to do.
Something in me thought she was changing herself, smothering her self-hate fire. Somehow she hid how the flames had gotten bigger. I don't know how she did this, but being alone in her house for a week it became very evident to me a few notes. The first is that she was crazier than when I left my senior year of high school, that all the emotional weight she'd put on she just kept gaining. The second thing that become readily apparent to me was that I was never going to change her and subsequently, third, that it wasn't my job to save her either.
It's not our job to save anyone else, to heal anyone else, to be anything for anyone. Our job in this life is to be so unified with our body, our being, that there are no longer barriers between us, our neighbor, the tree down the street, or the mountain crest that's a days drive away. It is a duty, I've decided to engage in, to cut off toxic beings from my life. I started doing this with so called friends after I was raped. I then did this with significant others, that transitioned into possible significant others, and now apparently to my parental units. I refuse to let anyone dull the light that burns so deeply within me, even if it is my mother, even if it means saying goodbye and farewell. I cannot heal her, and she may never heal on her own, but I would be doing a wrong service to humanity to allow her toxic being to stay in my life and smother the beautiful light I have within.
Second chances are strange. I gave many second chances to her, whether she was aware of them or not she smothered all of them, unlike her self-hate fire. It's a weird thing to watch someone who you care for so deeply slowly give themselves to darkness and perish. It's a weird thing to see someone die before their body gives out. I strongly believe death is a choice. Death is a human notion of an ultimate ending, one that we can choose to engage in as we please. So then, rightly, maybe this is the death of my mother and I's relationship, an ultimate ending of sorts.
I try and remind my step siblings, when I can, not to take advantage of or to disrespect their mom. She does anything but that to them. She has given me more than maybe any step parent has ever given to their step child. It's incredible to experience, her love. I was arguably not an angel when it came to my mother and I's relationship, but she unknowingly framed the perfect picture of this ending that we painted together.
It's been liberating exercising the fact that she holds no more power over me, that her presence has dwindled. No longer do I hold onto her pain as if it were my own. No longer do I look to her as a role model.
I am not asking for pity as I write this, no. In fact, I'm hoping maybe as you were reading you gained some kind of solace, peace, something, from what I had to say. Who is to know, maybe you had similarities in your life, or with another relationship. Cherish the healthy communities you have and the communions you share within them. Cherish yourself, love yourself- even if it means cutting out toxic beings from your life. Even if that toxic being is a family member, a mom even.
I leave, in a few hours, for Colorado. I've been 'on the road' as a transient for a month or so. I've been playing it safe, I mean I am home visiting family right now. I haven't been avoiding the open road and opportunity, but rather fearing it (while simultaneously tying up loose ends with the family). I have decided to be done with fear. No more fearing connection, or strength, or love, or power, or myself. Fear's only purpose is to show us where we need to spend more time. And time is just a measurement of experience. Fear shows us where we need to shine the light of experience, and this is how fear can light a path of growth. Don't give in to fear, but don't get rid of it either- it serves a purpose. Use your tools until you transcend them, that is the most graceful way I have found to grow. Reaching beyond those tools when we aren't ready is what causes even more pain and confusion. One of our purposes in this life is to suffer, for if we do not know suffering then we cannot know what it is to not suffer, and even to be joyous, blissful. Use your tools to transcend the tool and then transcendence itself. Before I speak in too many more circles, I'll point out htat I've never been good with endings- my mother and I's relationship included. So, signing off- enjoy your day, may you walk peacefully your own way. Namaste.
A smile can go a really long way. I always smile at people I don't know, for you can never know when someone is having a really bad day. Really, I'm convinced that if everyone smiled and made eye contact with others instead of looking glum, then the world would be transformed and all these icky things humanity is doing would lessen in about six months. It's just a hunch, but I feel it is true. A smile changes not only your brain chemistry, but there's a ripple effect from this latter change too.
Now, I don't believe that happiness is the complete end goal. Happiness is not success, for if we only felt happiness we wouldn't (or maybe couldn't) understand we were feeling happy at all. I find emotional success to be present for each and every emotion we encounter. Sometimes this means observing the emotion, and sometimes this means feeling the emotion. Usually when I am feeling an emotion there's a chance for an egoic emotional release. When we feel emotions it's always to be attached to our most primal memory of that emotional form.
Emotions as forms- Raina, what do you mean? So if you were to take a slime or putty, and put it with a color, give it and mold it's shape- now imagine that putty or slime is inside your head and heart, instead of your hands. When we put a form inside our head it's so we can understand it, visualization and spacial relation show us this. When you put a puzzle piece in it's place, first the brain scans the puzzle piece and the puzzle so that you can comprehend. Okay, so back to emotional form. We put emotions in our head so we can understand what they do, how they serve us, and if they serve you (to understand others perception within that emotional form).
An emotional form serves for empathetic understanding and sympathetic projection so that others can understand you. It's like our brains are playing "pass the ball" with these emotional slime forms we've created. The origin of these slime forms comes from the first time we experienced them as a kid. To understand these emotional forms in so much depth that we no longer need them to communicate is a possibility, even if only in glimpses. This state of tranquility, of not allowing other forms to come into the form you call you- this is called dhyana, a held one pointed focus, one of the eight limbs in the school of Yoga.
A lot of pain is transferred from human to human, this is why most people I smile at never smile back. They either look to their phone, look to the trees, or just ignore me completely and stare at nothing blankly. This used to upset me, until I realized I was projecting that feeling of upset to other people too. So, now I'll smile at you no matter what you do. When we genuinely smile at others we share something sacred, cherished, true. When I smile at you it's the simplest way I know how to say that I love you. SO, today, go and share some love with others. Share a smile, or maybe share two. Pay attention to others reactions, and pay attention to your reaction too. Then, remember to smile back at you.
Realizing your dream can be an incredible thing, or you can make it as scary as it seems. When you realize this dream it's not totally appropriate to play it safe. I have thrown myself to the wind, and there's no looking back, again.
It used to be that I wrote my passions and dreams into the seams of unspeakable and infinite reflections of myself; painting, writing, murals, sketches, singing, dancing. Expression of passion is my favorite reflection to see of a person, for art is really just a reflection of the artist. There's a tipping point as such an intense creator where you have to decide to throw yourself in completely and give up your old ways of life, or retreat back to safety and risk retracting from adventure and reward. Do the risks outweigh the benefits?
Reality can set in, some may say. I challenge you to stray from the path that they speak of and note that you create your own reality. Success comes when you will it and work for it. Not knowing can be scary, unpredictability is something our human brain and ego try very hard to attach to constantly. Where will my next meal come from, do I have shelter, are these people safe, am I safe? All the answers are inside you to the fullest degree. You may not get to pick your starting point, but you can decide where you go from here. Your starting point now is just the view from the observer you've chosen to be in this life. Wake up, and creation is yours for the giving and receiving.
I have been homeless for almost a month now. The first three weeks I was in an Air BNB and getting my 200 hour yoga certification. I have since been liberated of so much self attachment, and fear, and traditional stability. I have stayed at strangers houses for the past few nights, all of whom have been so welcoming and loving. I found a work to live situation, a woman who needs her garden tending to and offers free room and board as payment, plus I get to eat from the garden (woah, so cool). I was worrying about finances for a while, and money refused to come. Turns out my worrying was what was causing my finance blues. Embracing that you are abundance, that you will always have abundance, has been truly liberating too. Sometimes, I even dumpster dive for food (hey America, please stop wasting literal dumpster full amounts of food on a more than weekly basis per store. no wonder we're in an epidemic of all sorts. It works out great for me and my situation, but donate it- order less- be okay with living more mindfully and not wasting).
This is never a life I imagined (in specifics) for myself, but I always wanted the freedom to move about with little attachment to the American systems, with little attachment to the physical people and places. I practice yoga when I want, I work when I want and when suits my intentions for money coming in, I sleep when I want. I do whatever I want when I want to do it, and life is working out fantastically.
Taking a leap of faith into the void of the unknown is scary, but once you jump out of a plane there's no going back. My parachute will open soon, but for now I'm enjoying the free fall, an experience I may never have like this again. Any support the internet would like to provide to/for me is incredibly appreciated. I'm working on book #2 right now, to be published in the near fall. Tarot and numerology readings available over the phone. Prints available for purchase in my shop. Etsy will be up and running soon too. You can do whatever you want to do in this life, you are your ultimate creator. To realize this is liberation from systematic ideas, but to jump the cliff into the void is liberation itself.
Thank you for the support, energetically, monetarily, and through your words and actions. I am forever grateful for each and every one of you. Walk freely, you're already here.
We remember everything from our birth, we just may not remember it in the way we remember what we had for dinner last night. Our tissue holds every story we've ever experienced. From our literal birth, to our first birthday, the first time we were scared, the first time we felt true love. Remembering, once you learn how (which, surprise, you've always known how, it's just a fact of if you've asked yourself to heal) is impossible to stop. I knew going through the training to be a yoga teacher was going to be physically challenging as I do not come from intense asana (posture) practice. I knew it would be emotionally demanding, as I found yoga in one of the deepest emotional places I've ever been in this life. I had no clue how exhausting remembering was going to be, and simultaneously how duly grateful I would be for that exhaustion.
Exhaustion exists in two forms. One being that you've exhausted yourself (emotionally or physically) so much that you must rest, sleep, and rejuvenate. The other kind of exhaustion comes when you've been dragging your heels in the ground for so long that eventually you must pick them up and rid yourself of this heel dragging habit to be able to functionally get along with life. Unknowingly, I have been experiencing the latter. Today I didn't just pick my heels up off the ground, but it felt as if someone welded wings of light from my heart to my brain, and back again.
I set intentions for myself every day, and today's intention was compassion. I have near always had a problem with over eating, or binge eating as the medical world would interject. As a society we are problematic in the world of 'binging'- Netflix, cell phones, food, drugs, travel- you name it and this American society has a hand in it. Unlearning this with food has been a slow and meandering road for me. Today I chose to show myself compassion whenever I felt the need to go and stuff my face. It worked, I ate 'normally' today, whatever that means- what's important is there was no over eating habit that I engaged in. On a deeper level though, this intention of compassion opened the floodgates of past suffering. When I say floodgates, I mean I might as well have been Noah and built an ark to sail away on the sea of my own tears- I opened the flood gates.
Childhood trauma, what a touchy subject- no pun intended. We all have childhood trauma to some degree, and we let it dictate so much of what we do without realization or second thought. So much pleasure can turn to so much pain, and so quickly, for a child. Remember the body of your child self, and all the pains it's endured is taxing, liberating, and most of all rewarding in freedom. Unpacking childhood trauma has allowed me to release so many fears, of myself and the live I've chosen to live, of others, of relationships, of living. We all have chosen to live this life, and every moment we continue to choose that as we continue living. Having tried to kill myself, I realized it's from a rational (a completely brain form based) way of dealing with these childhood traumas- of not remembering.
As we remember, we wash ourselves clean. I see an acrylic mold of a person, with dirt caked on the walls on the inside. This dirt is collected over a lifetime, everyone holding different amounts of dirt. These past two weeks I have slowly pouring water into this human mold caked with internal dirt, and gently shaking it around. Today, I poured a few gallons into this human mold and said 'fuck it' I'm done waiting to be clean. *shakes my acrylic human vigorously until dirt decides to be mud and drain back to the Earth* I cried, sobbed, and released an incredible amount of pain that was no longer mine to hold or to experience. Dirt is heavy, let it go.
Remember that it's okay to remember, in whatever way your body decides to remember. Most of our memories are not stored in the brain, they are stored in our senses- our senses just so happen to be collected in the brain, so we think of memory as strictly brain happenings. I thought, before I came to yoga teacher training, that I had been washing myself clean. Really I had just been putting on makeup to cover up the dirt that was still inside me human. I've become so free in my body. Pain I didn't even realize I knew is now gone. My human form has transformed in magnitude, and my energy now has more room to shine through my vessel. As one of my teachers (who has nick named me Wisdom, how fitting) would say- let your inner body be bright.
I cannot truly express the amount of gratitude I have undergone in the past three weeks, or today, or even in this moment. I have been washed with gratitude again and again, and then again. I feel as if I no longer know sin, I no longer attach to love, or the absence there of. I no longer attach to people, to places, to material things, to my body or to the memories it holds. I no longer attach to these things and have instead embraced them, and this is what has truly granted me liberation. Being liberated is just being free of a limit. We have the opportunity to liberate ourself in every moment we are alive. In fact, if you wanted to argue about it (which I don't, but for lack of better terms) I would say the reason we are put here is to continuously choose liberation, until one day the tool of liberation is something we don't need because we are liberated- Patanjali's Yoga Sutra book 4, sutra 33. Use the tools you have in your toolbox to transcend ever needing to use those tools again. In fact, become those tools. It is only by becoming the form of that tool that we no longer need the tool for our survival. Grateful to have such a big toolbox of healing, and grateful to finally be embracing the forms of some of the tools I've learned for my survival. Returning home within, what a wonderful way to begin.
*If any of my classmates are reading this right now- thank you. From the bottom of my heart, from everything I am, thank you for taking this journey of healing in your own way alongside me. Thank you for your presence today as my dirt shell cracked. Thank you, truly, for you. Namaste.
Embracing the purpose your soul was given is difficult. Our ego gets in the way, telling us that there's no way it's going to work out, or that you aren't good enough, or that it's just blasphemes in general. Well, acknowledge your ego, and then politely tell it to shut the fuck up. Your dream, your passion, your drive- you are too important to let that identity of hate and protection get in the way of taking risks and living life as you see fit. I've been in tears almost everyday for three weeks now, and I have a feeling there will be many more days to come. I've been learning to tune out my ego, to accept my life the way it's been laid out, and to embrace the fact that I'm a healer and a light worker- a creator in all senses.
Coming to Asheville to go to yoga school didn't break my heart, I knew it was time to leave Florida- to move on. It was the first time I have left a place since my senior year of high school that I wasn't running away. This time, I was running to. I don't know which is better, I think neither for the fact is that I am still running, but all I've ever known is running. Running from my parents, running from fear, from hate, from love, from connection, from passion, from drive, and from all the things in between. To finally be running TO something, and not away, is the step I needed to let go of running all together. I have come to peace within myself many times over this week.
My yoga training- wow. I'm only two days in and already I'm letting go of SO much, learning so much, and embracing myself as who I am. Everyone here has been so supportive, and not just of my body when we're learning how to adjust poses in class- no, everyone has shown each other nothing but love. I didn't get to participate today in the flow part of our class, I was to observe and takes notes- so, like a good little yogi, I did. There was a girl who just started crying in the middle of our flow- an emotional breakthrough, not break down. It made me realize of all the sensitive spots I still have inside myself. I consulted my teacher after class and let her know all the things I'm working on. She listened, offered space, and told me she understood with nothing but her eyes and touch. One day, I will be this teacher- in fact, I have already been this teacher, just rather in a different setting. We are all teachers, but we must first teach ourselves to move forth and teach others.
I have always been a teacher, and this is because I've always loved learning and sharing what I learn with others. Being able to open the space for healing, to open the space for love and compassion, is all I've ever wanted- yoga has been this vehicle for me since I was 18. I've always known I was going to live a bit of a different life, but growing up in a liberally conservative household I had no idea how hard it was going to be to break my conditioning. Letting go of my parent's expectations for me has been hard. Our parents (usually, in my case thankfully this is the case) only want the best for us, but how can they ever know what's truly best for us- no one knows you like you. Follow your heart- detach from ego, for it is the only way we can ever detach from future pain.
I have embraced my weird lifestyle, my traveling for much longer periods than most Americans, my spiritual ways, my openness to God, my compassion and light in this world. It is not easy to break down the walls you have accidentally built around yourself. To embrace yourself fully though, I promise you, in no doubt, with a love in my heart that has left me speechless more hours than not, YOU are worth all the hard work, all the heartbreak, and all the delightful rewards that come with accepting your Truth. In less than more words, I say Namaste.
A lot of people have asked me to keep them updated on my journey, on my schooling, on my life. So many that unfortunately it would take me all day every day to write and call everyone, and then my journey would just constantly be updating people- not at all my M.O.- so, this story board will now serve as the updates in my life. If I don't get back to you in the coming weeks/months, please be understanding and know I am hard at work serving myself, God, and all others who walk the path of seeking. Truth is something we don't have to seek, for it is something we already know. To future endeavors, I am learning to let go. Thank you all for the support, I hope you treat the world as you treat yourself, vice versa, and remember to breath. Your breath is your home, for it is the one thing we all know.
Dream big. Now dream bigger. You manifest your reality with your thoughts, and everything around you is informational food to your process of creation. We are all creators, even the ones who sit at desks all day working their little fingers away. Embracing being a creator has been such an incredible step to realizing my truth. Recently I've been realizing just how much I actually lie to myself. I've lied to myself about my potential, about others, about my intentions and wants in this life. Now imagine, when your thoughts do come to manifestation, that they are those lies- do you see how difficult living your truth is when all you've manifested for yourself are ego-ic lies?
So now that you have a dream in your mind and in your heart- what's the next level of that dream, scale that dream up. Now scale it up again, ten fold. When you give in to the Universal wind that is faith, your dreams manifest endlessly. My biggest realization as of recently is that I have denied myself living in faith for most of my life. I've slowly been waking up to it, but when you live in a house where your parents don't have faith in themselves, you learn very quickly to shut down your faith too- it makes life easier.
Having faith is not always easy, having faith asks a lot of us as humans. Faith asks us to understand that we do not know, that we don't have the answers, and faith asks us to make positivity is our Absolute answer. I met a woman today who went to Japan with very little money in her pocket, basically just enough to pay for her tickets. She stayed there for three months. She didn't know how she was going to eat, or live, and she ended up being sent money from all over- friends, family, inheretince. She had a dream, she manifested that dream for herself, and monetarily she was taken care of. Too often is money we chase instead of our heart's truest desires.
Moving to Florida, I never would have guessed all the trials I would be going through, and my faith recently has been heavy. No longer, I am stepping out every day with a little bit more love, compassion, and a lot more faith in myself, conversely in whatever higher power you believe in.
My art teacher, who helped mold my young passion for creating, once told me three things-
1. Keep a vision.
2. Dream big.
3. Work Hard.
I believe these three things, as they have greatly impacted my life, are the ultimate guide to making your dreams come true. You can't make it anywhere without a vision. You can't have a vision without a dream, and neither the dream or the vision will come true if you don't work for it- work harder and more will happen for you. She also taught me that to be rebellious by societal standards was the way of freedom. We are our only true oppressor, and we are also the only one who can truly free our being. So embrace your dreams, and dream big, and then dream even bigger. You create your life, that is the point of being a creator. Enjoy your creations, allow them to flow through you like wind through the trees, if you please.
Marriage, a ritual of expectations. It is a partner we are conditioned to think, as men and women, that we need to harness our power. As women, we are more so conditioned to this notion of finding a husband is what gives us our power. As men, there is a conditioning that somehow finding a wife makes you more powerful. I’m here to tell you I have realized my attatchement to this notion, and it’s quite frankly a load of bullshit. You are born alone, you die alone, why would you need someone in the middle of that to show you that you are you? You power comes from within, not from another person, or place, or being. It is to share Divine Love that allows us the possibility of sharing life with a partner- but before we are able to share Divine Love we must share it to ourselves.
I call Divine Love my home. It is the place of communion I find when I make myself a meal, take care for myself, and take care of others from the place of communion within my heart. To share communion with others is Unity, and to be in Union is to be in God. For God is the Womb of all beings. Divine Love, no matter where, when, or how it is shared, is home. My ‘home’ I felt was taken from me for the longest time when my parents divorced. When divorce occurs there is no longer Union, there is no longer God.
Divorce is wide spread in so many developed countries, but especially America. The American Dream includes marriage, for we are built on Puritan beliefs. Ritual and ignorance is in our nature. To have God interpreted by the House and the Senate, but at the same time have separation of Church and State is one of the biggest conundrums we face as a country. No wonder over half of the marriages in our country end in Divorce, for what the governing of people trickles into their daily lives. The separation of Church and State is a noble idea, but we are stuck because our truest beliefs we refuse to sit down and see.
We can look at Church in this situation as two different things. If we look at the notion of Church as religion, then it is to separate organized rule books of spiritual beliefs from our law book. If we look at Church as worship then it is to separate the union of people from our law book. I ask you, which do you believe we need, and does this reflect in your daily life actions? The first situation is to seperate outside beliefs from the laws we abide by, the latter is to seperate action from our beliefs as a country. We are always acting, and we are always believing something (even if it is untrue)- actions always come from within, and beliefs have the possibility to be influenced by others. This shows us the importance of training our strength of mind.
If you believe we are to separate organized texts of spiritual belief from our government (The Bible, The Vedas, The Quaran, etc.), then there can still be Union, there can still be God. By removing these spiritual texts though, we ask what is God because we have looked to scriptures for so long for this answer. Removing these spiritual texts has caused America great confusion. As I gain more studies in scriptures of all religions it has become very apparent to me that you will never find God in scriptures, you will only find what God has created. Every scripture I have read this far makes it obvious that to experience God is look within, to become in Union with yourself, to be in Union with others. God is in experience, not in any written language, but at the same time written language is in God.
If you believe we are to separate worship from our law book, then you are to say we are to separate ourself from our law book. There is no more Union in this situation. Even if you don’t agree that God is union (in any form), and we take away union from our law book, then we take away everything that this country was built on. For the people, by the people- if there is no union of people then we enter utter chaos... or perhaps we are already there. Union, worship, both of these are becoming lost in our daily lives as we sit in front of our computer, with our head phones in, eating alone at night in our apartments and in our office at lunch. And how is it that we still continue to wonder why our country is falling apart?
When we see someone ‘divorced’ from their self, someone who over eats, someone who smokes cigarettes, someone who acts not regarding to their greater good, we see self hatred, we see no union. This is when we have turned away from worship. It is not in the church that we turn away from worship, it is not in a family setting that we turn away, nor in school, nor in our work- we turn away from worship when we turn away from ourself. When it is said to “be the change you wish to see in the world” we need to take this literally. For the longer we resist change for our greater good, the more pain is caused, the more healing must be done, the more our children may suffer, the more karmic cycles we must heal as a human race. Stop putting blame on others and yourself.
Take a close look at how you worship today, and every day. If every act is worship, are you worshiping good, are you eating things that benefit your health, are your treating your vessel right, are you acting as you wish others would too? Sit with this for a moment. To realize the burdens you put on yourself is a heavy and hard boulder to move. Be like water, slowly erode the boulder from sight. For really, we are water, a great percent actually. Our power, our union, is within. If we do not realize this power then we act as animals, and animals cannot govern themselves but in primal needs. We are more conscious than animals, this is something most agree on. Your Self is the answer you need to engage in to be able to change this country, to change your marriage, to change your Union, to change. Be change for good, and this country will slowly fall into line as we fall into ourselves. I am not begging you to wake up, as Divine timing is my truth- but when you look within you will come to see that you are Divine, and you are time. Now, that is my Divine time, and I hope it soon becomes yours too.
Conquering my over-eating habits has led me to realize a lot about the way I live. Gluttony is just the over-intake of information. This information can come in many forms, mostly we think of food being the main source. If you look at American society, we over indulge almost every minute of the day. Headphones in playing music, three big meals a day (all of which normally include meat), smart phone scrolling (a smoke break that never ends), drugs, medications, alcohol, TV, the list could go on for pages, but I will spare both you and me. Information overload is the truth of gluttonous ways.
I have been trying to do research on how to cure gluttony, what it is to let go of our sensory overload addiction. The more research I do on the internet, the less information I find and the more confused I become. I realized I have been using this information overload to try and cure my own information overload tendencies- we cannot find answers in the same mindset we asked them in (unless of course this mindset is still in mindfulness). My answers have come slowly, but I will share with you my findings. Many more of us suffer in gluttony than we realize.
First off let us look at the symbolism of gluttony. Yellow is the color of gluttony, of information, of frenzy. Eat yellow foods, wear yellow clothing, as simple as it may sound the vibrations of this yellow resonating in and around you will help you to be aware of your information seeking ways. Information filtering also has to do with the third chakra, this is our self confidence, our self portrayal, and it can be difficult to be of strong self discipline when this chakra is off balance. Gluttony also has to do with the number 3. Three resonates as balance, creativity, discipline, it also resonates with truth and purpose.
Now that we see the symbolism around information overload, what do we do with this information? It all comes back to mindfulness, being able to reflect upon yourself in a moment to moment way. Truly, you have the choice of what information you receive. Choose wisely, for you manifest your reality. Thoughts become words become actions become character becomes destiny. Manifest your destiny wisely, choose your information wisely. As always, there is no more viable time than now.
Sadness is something I have come to watch, rather than participate in. I have been exercising great patience with myself as I learn how my body and mind work separately and together. It's funny, our posture, how we move our limbs, how we walk, stand, breathe is a reflection of either the mind working on the body, or the body moving the mind. I think this is why people who are practicers of yoga, practicers of breath, are the true heavy weight champions. Being able to go internally and lift emotional weights from your body one by one is an incredible task to take on, and even the slightest bit of movement in this way is remarkably commendable.
Patience, a great virtue, but what is patience really? This thought has been racing my mind for a few days now. What does it mean to be patient, when do we know we are being patient, when is patience required, is patience necessary? Well, when trying to figure out what a word means and how it plays into our life we have this great resource called the dictionary, and it says patience is "the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset." I have learned that patience is part of the cause of our victories.
Okay, well then what is it to be victorious? Again, if we head to the dictionary we see that victory is "an act of defeating an enemy or opponent in a battle, game, or other competition." Well, then if we are victorious, at least partially, through patience then we can come to the conclusion that 'winning' in this game of life requires that we are able to accept or tolerate the 'enemy' of sadness and anger. So then is it merely victorious to do this some of the time, or must we always be accepting and tolerating these emotions of sadness and anger?
We create our realities, we create our happiness, our sadness, our insecurities. So then we create our own victory. We must be willing to accept and 'defeat' the parts of ourselves that cause great emotional discomfort, which is reflected physically. This is patience, and victory in patience. Forgiveness is how we release these emotions of anger and sadness that we have created. To be truly victorious is to forgive yourself, over and over again until the sadness is gone and strength shines through your being. Forgiveness is my answer today, and every day.
It has been very difficult accepting that I manifested the environment of being raped, hard to face the part of myself that was sexually frustrated and confused. It's hard to face things we do not like, and this is why desire is can be seen as a weakness. By observing your desires you can understand why you desire those things, and then forgive yourself for that desire. Learn to observe your own worst enemy, yourself, and not engage in the patterns that are being de-sensitized and integrated in your being from birth. Become your master, your own best lover, by understanding your own worst enemy is also you, and then forgiving yourself. Forgive, forgive, forgive, and be grateful that there is a power within you that is able to forgive. For gratitude is the wind that pushes our sails on the ocean, and forgiveness is how we build our ship.
I was sitting on the couch,
One or two times, watching
A screen made from divine.
Each screen showed of new
And of old, talks of tales
In which we are sold.
I found myself in a political rut,
With generations doing nothing
But watching screens and talking of dreams.
These dreams they spoke, take a toke,
Pass the pipe dream, it felt
Like murder she wrote.
To see a father do nothing for his daughter,
To see friends despise their ends,
In front of a screen speaking in dream.
For if no action is taken, then
We are to blame. The lame
America, home of the brave.
Soldiers aren't just on the field,
Their in the stores,
In their daily wars.
If wars are internal, then
the winning has only begun.
Let the songs of internal victory be sung.
Healing yourself will bring forth strength,
Stop this talk.
Start walking the walk.
When you lead yourself, you lead others too
So get off the couch,
Don't be a slouch.
Your attitude is more to me than you can see,
Are you absorbing the free
That we left to gain from across the sea?
We are a young country, mistakes are okay.
It's time to learn and grow
Because as a country we know
We can't win this internal war
Without a stand, a voice,
I beg, I plead, find your need.
Your need is your fire,
That internal desire.
Stop talking, start walking.
Community is talking, we need
Community to be walking.
There has been too much tabloid stalking.
Let the screens go black, don't
Look back, unless it is to see
Mistakes from ancient countries.
Plant your garden in your yard,
But we do not measure in yards because
It is against our way.
Young traditions have not brought peace,
Young traditions have seen war after war.
I beg, I plead, no more.
Don't take part in systems which you
Don't believe. Do not give in to greed.
I beg, I plead, we need leave.
Taxation is a crime, we chanted
With batons in our hands, and
Freedom on our mind.
Guerilla warfare is only a blink away,
In future and in past we are a young
And scrappy country. I beg, I plead,
Hear our screams, hear our cries.
Stand up for yourself, there is no more time.
I beg, I plead, you are divine.
Let's face our cirmes,
Let's hear the chimes.
I beg, I plead, this country is mine.
Born of the immigrants we turn away,
I cry inside everyday.
Please start walking, but I plead don't walk away.
Responsibility sits high in the mountain crest.
Protests haven't changed a thing, lame
America, home of the brave.
Remember when we were slaves to our ways,
Are you sure slavery is gone today, lame
America, home of the brave.
Stand the fuck up, get off your couch.
Stop talking the talk and
Start walking the walk.
Behind our screens we slave all day,
It's no wonder our power grid
Has put mother Earth in dismay.
You choose your way, lame
America, home of the brave.
Lord knows I cry everyday.
I cry for my sins, I cry for yours too.
Do remember, you choose your way. Lame
America, home of the brave.
I am tired now, but don't dare
Sit down. Stand up, but only stand
Proud when your actions reflect what you say.
Stand up, stand now, uncover your head,
For can we win before this country is dead,
Our peace and our home is in a great storm.
There's a peace before and after lightning strikes,
And it's in the night we learn to fight.
I beg, I plead, see us create free.
For each step is creation,
We need an intervention, lame
America, home of the brave.
Just one more line, I speak,
Let this country be mine, lame
America, home of the brave.
Become not a slave, let us set ourselves free.
Open your eyes, step in time. Lame
America, home of the brave.
There's something about visiting a familiar place that brings abundance of healing. After living in a city away from home for over two years, and traveling in great strides, whenever I come back to my dad's house I'm able to pick up on habits I may have otherwise missed. I realized this trip home that it's truly never been about me. From my parents smoking when I was a little kid, to the divorce, to their own constant internal struggle- it's never truly been about me. We inherit the sins of our parents. It's our duty to look at those sins, heal them, and forgive the teachers we so ignorantly learned from. The time to heal is always now.
There will always be one thing that is good for all of us, and that one thing is self respect. If you cannot respect your body, your well being, then you are poisoning the blossoming flower that is you. I have been learning much on mindfulness recently. Our breath is our life. We create space for the Universe to push air into us, and so it does, and then we contract our bodies and go deeper into ourselves as we let go. This is called time. We live in time, we live of time. Really, truthfully, we are time. It is only the measurements of the clock that bring us back to civilization, the current way we record history, and the standardization & rationalization of the human experience.
Some say the fourth dimension is time. There is a funny little thing called deja vu that has been slowly disappearing for me. Instead of remembering a moment, it is as if it has already happened. With longer memory of the future we see a shift occurring. Maybe the end of the Mayan calendar in 2012 wasn't marking the end of the world, but the end of history as we know it now. If you start to become mindful, start to feel your breath, start to control your breath, maybe you will notice this shift in your own consciousness too.
If we are time, then really you could say we are the fourth dimension. It is the choice to heal, the choice to become mindful in this life, that will push the human race into a new, unknown, bright, and exciting 'future'. By healing we are choosing good, we are choosing light, by walking through the darkness. "Deliver us from evil" is in the Lord's prayer, the word 'from' recognizes this, evil, is our starting point. Be brave, walk through the darkness that has been bestowed upon you in this life, and you will see the light. It is up to you, to have faith in whatever you choose, to be able to deliver yourself from your darkest moments. No one can do the healing but you.
It has also been a big reminder for me that if you don't use it you lose it. I was lazy at the beginning of this voyage home. I haven't been practicing as much as I normally would back in Florida, and have lost some strength. Although it may not be easy to heal yourself at the start of the process, the more you engage in the process of transformation the easier it becomes. Just like lifting weights you have to start with a small weight, and a couple months from now (if you put the work in) you'll be stronger, feel lighter, and love yourself a little more.
I am asking all of you now to let go of your fear, to let go of your hate, to let go. I am not saying this is an easy process, but we depend on you as you depend on you. For I depend on myself to be strong, and cannot expect others to be strong if I am not also strong. The love you show yourself, you show the world. It's time for us to raise up a little higher, to become more mindful, to become stronger, more open, more aware. It's time for us to start delivering ourselves from evil and walking into love. Forgive yourself, forgive others, forgive. I believe in myself, and for the longest time I couldn't' say that. No longer am I afraid of my journey, of my strength, of my power, and therefor no longer am I afraid for you. I believe in you. You can believe in you too, and I know some of you already do believe in you. Rise up, the time to heal is always now. You declare who you are in your actions. Start acting of love, acting of respect, and this will inspire others to do the same. I believe in you, so go, be new.
Speak your truth. It shouldn't matter if others are hurt by your truth, or if they don't agree with it, because it is truth. Truth is the highest light shed on an interpretation of any given situation. There are many truths in this world, and by speaking your truth you will inspire others to speak their truth as well. It's easy to be an inspiration to others when they can see how you inspire yourself. A lot of people have been asking me how I inspire myself, and how I keep up with my inspirations. I've put together a list of steps I take to remind myself of my power and worth. My inspiration comes from how truthfully I communicate with myself, and that refelects so that others can see my truth as well. In the end it is truth that inspires the weakness to gain strength in us all.
My steps for daily inspiration:
1. Speak your truth.
2. Allow others to speak their truth.
3. When judgement comes to our thoughts, become active in your response to that judgement.
4. Allow other's judgements to pass over you, do not hold onto them.
5. Push your truth to it's extreme.
When I was a kid I had TMJ, my jaw was always locking and popping. As I've grown and become a yoga practicer I've seen that my pains in life are much more emotional than I once realized. I look back on the period of my life when I had TMJ and I was holding back my anger, my sadness, my fear, my concern and just saying nothing instead. We forget that emotions are okay and natural, and that experiencing them is also okay and natural.
Women in today's society are sometimes oppressed in anger. We aren't supposed to get angry, it's not lady-like, so we hold in our rage instead. Ladies, learn how to master yourself in anger, you're all queens and godesses if you allow yourself to step into your light. Don't throw your emotions on others, but instead let your emotion speak through you into truth.
We must also remember that others speaking their truth is something to not put shame on, just as you wouldn't want shame put on your truth. I had a man last night tell me his story of molestation. He told me that most women he tells about what happened to him laugh. Other people's truths may not sit comfortably within us, but try not to let judgement be your only reaction. We will always be judging others, but it is what we do with that judgement that causes change in ours and other's lives.
When we find our truth we must speak it, shout it from the roof tops. It's from the extreme places our truth sits that I find the most inspiration. How far can I push this opinion, or this color, or the lights and darks? How far is too far? There is no such thing as too far, if your truth is coming from light and from love within your person. I have always been a very extreme and intense person. Intensity is where I find my drive. I imagine myself standing on the edge of the cliff and leaning into the wind, letting the elements push me back to a place of safety. When I push myself into the intense moments the more inspiration I realize.
Put your trust in yourself, allow truth to seep out of your pores. This is when you know you have found your place of inspiration. You are home. You are light. You are everything you'll ever need. It's time now for you to allow yourself to step into your light, your truth. It is so rewarding to see others inpired by your own inspiration, but it is more rewarding to feel inspired by yourself. Allow inspiration to flow through you, don't hold onto it- for it is when we pluck the flower to admire it's beauty that it dies.
I used to have a ridiculous amount of confidence in everything I did. I didn't care what others thought, how I got from point A to point B, or the slightest bad thought I let in. In fact, I never let bad thoughts in my head. Somewhere along the line thoughts started to creep into my head that brought me down. I was telling myself what I started to hear from others: aren't you concerned about this? Have you thought about that? What if people don't agree with it?
There's something about being a apart of a system I don't agree with that's always made me a fighter. When I was in art class I always found ways to push the limits because I hated being told what I could and couldn't do. I just went for it, and I didn't do it for anyone but myself. I wanted to give great creation to the world. Same thing when I was choreographing, I was putting together a different show every week for my step squad. I look back at everything I was doing and I asked myself: when did I lose that?
I've learned that sometimes we don't have to understand our injuries to allow them to heal. It's not even about allowing them to heal, sometimes we just need to excersice our strength to come out of our wounds. So, here I am training for whatever marathon I'm about to be running when I hit the ground in California. To make it as an artist you can't slack off. I have a training schedule put together, nutrition plan, timeline, and it's time to make shit happen.
Don't let anyone tell you what your life should be, or how worthy you are. You are worth you, and that is enough. You are home, you are love, you are wonderful. Find your mantra, even if you don't believe it, and repeat it whenever you can. EVentually, after saying it for what will seem like endless counts, you'll believe it. You will step into what you speak into existence. You are victorious when you choose to be. Stand tall, keep your chin up. You are you, what else would you rather do? Don't answer that, just be you- I promise someone is looking up to you.